Chapter : 1/9
Author : holyshishus
Fandom : Super Junior
Pairing : KyuMin, SiChul, mentions of HeeMin
Genre : angst, romance
Rating : NC-17
Warnings : naughty words, possibly sex
Disclaimer : I don't own them.
Summary : He loved and then betrayed him for his own selfish desires.
A/N : So I'm finally posting this fic after so much time. Hope you'll like it! ^^
There was a steady trickling of leaves falling past the window, a sunset rainshower of reds and oranges and yellows, their colours seeming to suck up the fevered heat the sun was pouring down on them with the harsh relentlessness of autumn. Kyuhyun could see it through the small four-panel window on the other side of the room; myriads of colours floating by, the vibrant tones framed by a clear sky. He settled back into the black, less-than-comfortable couch, and the leather cushions squeaked in protest at his movement. He knew he should admire beautiful things more, like this sky, like those colours; it looked like a scene stolen from a museum and mounted on the studio's wall, almost as if it was for his pleasure only. It was a beautiful thing, and Kyuhyun would take the time to admire it.
He was always too busy, that was the problem. There was never time to stop and search for eminance in daily rituals; there were traffic jams and bills and rehearsals and deadlines to be dealt with, and he always seemed to be rushing, rushing somewhere. He just didn't have time to stop and look at a piece of art or listen to good music.
Well, there were other things. There were other beautiful things besides art and music and nature. There were things like the man sitting on a rickety wooden chair in the corner of the room, drinking a lemon-lime soda, tapping his foot against the wall in a nervous, agitated way. There was beauty in those black eyes. There was beauty in that feminine face, and the curve of his lips even though he wasn't smiling, the lean grace of his stature, the way his hands curled around the aluminum can resting on his knee. There was beauty in his voice, when he spoke and when he sang; a sort of beauty that reminded Kyuhyun of red wine.
But lately, there hadn't even been time for Sungmin. There had been time only for work, commute, eat, and fall into a restless sleep; an ugly cycle of rushing, all the time rushing, no rest stops allowed. There was a tour coming up in a few months, there were songs and dances to practice, and record. It had never seemed so hectic before; maybe Kyuhyun was just tired. Maybe he was getting old. Everything seemed so typed and printed lately, so monotonous and boring. A big, grey cloud had found its way into the sky, passing right under the sun, blocking the meager amount of light from the tiny lounge, making the white walls seem dank and the shadows on the floor abysses of darkness. Kyuhyun shifted his position on the hard-backed couch, ignoring the moan of the leather as he peeled his bare arms away from it. Maybe he was just hot. Maybe that was it.
He craned his neck to peer at the clock on the wall above his head, letting a frustrated sigh escape his lips when he found that it had stopped; either that, or it had only been thirty-six seconds since he'd last checked the time, but how could it have felt like hours? He was beginning to regret not going outside to eat something with his other members when they'd asked; but he wanted to stay with Sungmin. He wanted to stay with Sungmin, and talk to him, but there was no talking going on. Was there even anything to talk about? Sungmin's fingers drummed on his denim-clad knee restlessly, the barely-there muffled tapping reaching Kyuhyun's ears in the silence, the fizzing sound of the bubbles in Sungmin's drink. Perhaps it wasn't too late to run outside. Or perhaps it was.
"Hey, Kyuhyun?" Finally, a sound to break the silence - it took Kyuhyun a moment to realize that it was actually Sungmin, who was trying to initiate conversation with him. He tried not to look too surprised, craning his head towards Sungmin's corner; Sungmin's dark eyes, clean and natural today, were determinedly turned far enough away that Kyuhyun couldn't hope to make eye contact.
"What?" His own voice sounded gruff, unfriendly. Why was he so uncomfortable around Sungmin now, one of his best friends, one of the best friends he could have ever hoped for? Whatever this feeling was, Kyuhyun didn't like it.
Sungmin took a drink of his soda, staring down into the can for a long moment afterwards, as though the words he needed would be found within. He didn't look uneasy; merely thoughtful, like he didn't want to phrase whatever he wanted to say badly. "Well," He started, playing idly with the tab on top of the soda can. "Heechul asked me out this morning."
If there was one thing Kyuhyun had been expecting the least, it was probably something like that. What was a proper response to that? Kyuhyun pursed his lips and focused his eyes forward, hoping his expression wasn't giving away what he was thinking. Not that Sungmin would be looking at him, anyway. "What did you tell him?"
Oh, that wasn't what he meant to say. He meant to say, "Congratulations!". He meant to smile and be happy for Sungmin, like he probably should have been. He didn't mean to be seethingly jealous and angry because Heechul didn't deserve someone like Sungmin. He didn't even deserve someone like Sungmin. He let his eyes slide sideways, trying to judge Sungmin's reaction to his inquiry, trying not to be obvious, trying and failing. Sungmin's eyes were half-lidded, the fine little edge of black eyelashes hiding the whites of his eyes. His lips were straight across his face, completely apathetic towards the whole situation, it seemed. As if Kyuhyun's reaction didn't matter at all; as if the fact that one of his members had feelings for him didn't matter at all.
"I didn't tell him anything yet." Sungmin answered, sighing as he lifted the soda can towards his face again. "I wanted to get your opinion first."
"Why?" Kyuhyun asked. Did his opinion really matter? Had it ever mattered? "Heechul is... a... good person."
He wanted to lie. He wanted to say that Heechul would be a terrible boyfriend, that he was competely selfish and egocentrical and that Sungmin deserved to be with someone much better. He couldn't. "I suppose I phrased that wrong." Sungmin said simply, chewing on the corner of his lip as he thought. "I just wanted to know if you had any objections."
Kyuhyun could have made him a list a mile long. "Why?" He repeated, biting the inside of his cheek. "I'm not your guardian... you don't need my permission to date, Sungmin."
Sungmin sighed again, a long rush of air through his lips, showing his irritation at the fact that Kyuhyun clearly didn't know what he was asking. Sungmin didn't act this way. Sungmin was open and explicit about his feelings, and today he was shut in and so reluctant to share his thoughts, so seemingly uncaring about what Kyuhyun thought about the situation. Why was he even asking?
"Are you... in love with me, Kyuhyun?" He asked.
"No." The word shot out of Kyuhyun's mouth before he could stop it, and it was a lie. A big lie. A massive lie. How long had he been in love with Sungmin? Too long. Forever, perhaps? But it didn't matter. It shouldn't have mattered. His feelings weren't the ones in discussion here; Heechul's were. Sungmin's were. Kyuhyun should have been an outsider. "Why... why would I... be?"
"I know that you are." Sungmin continued, and Kyuhyun wondered why he'd bothered asking the question if he already knew the answer. He could hear Sungmin's fingernails tapping against his drink can.
"No, I'm not." Kyuhyun protested, so uselessly. He could feel his cheeks heating up and turning red, redder than the leaves drifting the breeze outside the window. "I'm not..."
"Kyuhyun." He wished he'd gone out for that lunch now. Wasn't it about time for the other members to return, and save Kyuhyun from this kind of torture? Where were they when he really needed them? Useless. Sungmin's fingers drummed on the aluminum, tink, tink. "Just... I know. I thought it was only fair to tell you before I decide anything."
"Who you choose to date isn't any of my business, no matter..." Kyuhyun cleared his throat. "No matter how I feel about... you. Heechul is nice. He's good-looking..." He trailed off. Sungmin didn't seem to be really listening, anyway.
"You are too." Sungmin countered. Kyuhyun wished the couch would open up and swallow him into its depths, like it did keys and money and anything that you were unlucky enough to have fall out of your pocket while sitting on it. The couch didn't seem to be on his side today, either.
"How do you feel about Heechul?" Kyuhyun asked very softly, his voice sour, the jealousy in it fizzing like the carbonation in Sungmin's drink.
"I like him, as a friend. I like you..." Sungmin paused thoughtfully, draining the last of his soda. "I like you a lot more."
Kyuhyun felt a peculiar sensation in his chest, almost like a lifting sensation, a bubble of hope swelling in him. He kept his face trained forward, eyes on the sapphire sky. "You... do?"
Sungmin nodded, Kyuhyun could see the motion out of the corner of his eye. "But I think I'm going to go with Heechul."
Kyuhyun thought he could almost feel that bubble lashing his insides as it burst within him, sending lead into his chest, weighing him down just as quickly as it had lifted him moments before. Why, why, why in the hell would that be his choice? Did Kyuhyun even want to know why? Was he not as good as Heechul? What was the difference?
"Can I ask you..." Sungmin started, finally having enough presence to turn on his chair and face towards Kyuhyun. "Give me an honest answer. How... serious are you... about me?"
How serious? "What's the point in asking that?" He replied, his voice sharp and more caustic than he would have liked, his anger finding all the little cracks in his voice and digging in, barbing his words. "I... I've felt this way for a long time. I've wanted to be with you for... a long time. For years. Does he love you more, is that it?" He spat, fingers gripping the sharp edge of the cushion. "What's the difference, why choose him? I want to be with you."
"I know that." Sungmin clicked his tongue, the incessant fidgeting of his hands with the empty drink can the only thing to give away his discomfort. There was a very long silence, the deafening, awkward thickness of it smashing into Kyuhyun's head, almost making him dizzy. Sungmin wasn't answering. Did his answer even matter anymore? Kyuhyun watched the leaves falling through the window, sillhouetted against the alluringly blue sky. But there was no beauty in them anymore; they were just dead leaves.
"What I'm looking for..." Sungmin started again, seeming to have thought out what he wanted to say. He set his can down, ceasing the tink tink tink of his fidgeting, and the silence suddenly became much louder. "I don't want something serious. I don't want someone to do the laundry and have anniversaries with... I just want somone I can have fun with when I need to... and not have to worry about getting attatched, and if I need to get away, I can just... get away." He sighed, sounding sad instead of apathetic for the first time since they'd started the conversation. "I know it sounds very selfish..."
"Yeah, it does." Kyuhyun said quietly. He saw Sungmin cringe at the pure venom in his voice, and felt glad he hadn't toned it down; at the moment, Sungmin deserved every bit of that lethal anger.
"Please understand." Sungmin made a soft plea. "I know how selfish it is. I'm just asking... When I'm ready for something real, I'll... I'll be with you." He hesitated, his anxiety almost palpable in the air. Then, almost too quietly for Kyuhyun to hear, he added, "Will you... still wait for me?"
Kyuhyun looked up. He pulled his sweaty palms away from the couch, and with excrutiating slowness brought his eyes up to meet Sungmin's, for what must have been the first time in a very long time. It was no anger, or fear, or love in his eyes... it was something unrecognizable, something that Kyuhyun hated to see in those eyes. At that moment, Sungmin didn't seem very beautiful. Just selfish... selfish and plain. No color. Dead leaves. Kyuhyun didn't have time for it.
He peeled himself away from the couch; his leaden insides seemed to have vanished completely and left nothing but an emptiness inside him, a black abyssal void sucking him down. "Yes, I will." He replied, his voice weak, so weak that he hated it. He hated it. He hated playing into Sungmin's selfish desires, why should he wait? Why should he wait for someone so selfish? It wouldn't be worth it in the end. It couldn't be worth it in the end; if it was, what was the point of the punishment? Why was Sungmin so changed?
The room was spinning around him, pressure building up behind his eyes. Ignoring Sungmin's sigh of relief, ignoring his own silent relief, because those things mattered, and they shouldn't have, he didn't want them to... he turned his back on Sungmin, on chances and so many other things. If it was going to be that sort of game, then Kyuhyun wasn't going to let himself be left behind. He was going to win. A prize unsatisfying, that he would only regret later on.
To be continued...
So, please please tell me what do you think about it until now. ^^
COMMENTS ARE LOVE!!! <3333
Follow me on twitter! ^^ @kangins_