holyshishus (holyshishus) wrote,

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No colors [6/?]

Title : No colors
Chapter : 6/?
Fandom : Super Junior
Pairing : KyuMin, SiChul, mentions of HeeMin
Genre : angst, romance
Rating : NC-17
Warnings : naughty words, possibly sex
Disclaimer : I don’t own them.
Summary : He loved and then betrayed him for his own selfish desires.
Previous chapters :{ 1 } // { 2 } // { 3 } // { 4 } // { 5 }


"Here again." Siwon clicked his tongue but he opened the door wide, allowing access to the shyly grinning blonde who had just arrived at his doorstep, requesting company, which Siwon wasn't hard put to grant him; he seemed to be a little more lonely these days than he liked, himself. Maybe he wasn't just lonely in general; maybe there was that certain kind of lonliness that the blonde and his smile could cure for him. Or then again, maybe he was thinking about it too much.

"Here again, yes." Heechul replied, entering and kicking his shoes off to the side. "And hoping you've got some liqour stashed somewhere in this apartment of yours; I wanna get fucked up."

"Yeah, what about practice in the morning?" Siwon replied, following Heechul further into his apartment. They stopped in the living, and then Heechul led him into the kitchen, peeking into each cabinet in search of Siwon's secret stash of alcohol.

"That's great, if you and the others plan on practicing by yourselves, because I've a feeling Kyuhyun and Sungmin won't be coming in..." He paused, a cheshire cat smirk filling his cheeky face as he dove into a cupboard and emerged with a glittering bottle of champagne with a fine layer of dust blanketed over the dark glass. "And if you let me drink half as much as I plan to, there's no way I'll be going in. This isn't all there is, is it?"

Siwon sighed, eyes averted. "No, there should be some more in the back. Or I've got beers in the fridge, if you'd like that."

"No, I think I'll just start with this." Heechul shot him a golden smile, dusting off his prize. "I take it you'll be joining me tonight, then? It's no fun to be drunk by yourself."

"Well, you'd be one to know that." Siwon teased, pulling himself two bottles out of the fridge. He crouched down beside the cabinets next to Heechul, who was peeling the silver off the top of the champagne bottle. "And here I thought you'd be straight after the vodka..."

"Have you got some?" Heechul's eyes perked up at the mention, and they fished through the shelf together until they found it. Siwon decided to ignore the vague reference Heechul had made towards Kyuhyun and Sungmin, although he could tell that the blonde definitely knew something more than he had said pertaining to the strange behaviour their two groupmates had been displaying lately. They'd all been strange lately; Sungmin unusually quiet, Heechul unusually even quieter... although Heechul's mood change Siwon attributed to his recent break-up, he had no idea what was going on between him, Kyuhyun, and Sungmin. And there was definitely something going on. "Open this for me, darling?"

Siwon took the bottle of liqour from the other man and twisted the top off, liquid ice inside sloshing against the sides. "Are you and Kyuhyun having a fight?" He asked on impulse, guarding the bottle under Heechul's hungry eyes.

"Why don't you give me that, and I'll tell you." Heechul's tone was no longer playful and his smile no longer devious, but gone entirely, replaced by an almost-offended sneer.

"Oh, come on."

"Why should I tell you?" Heechul said viciously, peeling apart the silver foil from the top of the champagne bottle. "I didn't come over to be interrogated, I came over to be drunk. And I've been here five minutes and I'm not even tipsy yet." He took a sip from the champagne, blinking and shaking his head against the bubbles. Siwon relinquished the vodka, and Heechul took it in his free hand, dragging long on the fiery drink. Siwon cranked the top off his beer, suds overflowing onto his hands.

"I'm not mad at him or anything." Heechul admitted after a few moments, holding the misty bottle in front of his face and staring through it. "It's... not his fault. I just don't want to be there. I'd rather be here."

"Why?" Siwon tried again. He leaned sideways against the cabinets, beer in hand.
Heechul looked as though he had a scathing remark ready at hand, but then his face fell, and he wrapped his arms tight around his knees, bottles of champagne and vodka clanking together. He looked like a child lost in the park, all alone, waiting for someone to rescue him. Siwon felt his own face heat up in embarassment, in shame at having caused that.

"You know, sometimes..." Heechul started, hooded eyes reflecting the sparkling champagne in his hand. "I wish I could forget about all the bad stuff that's happening... I want to look at my life and forget that it's mine. I just want to fall asleep and dream for a while... don't you ever feel that, Siwonnie?"

"Yeah..." Truthfully, no, but Siwon couldn't bear to say that for fear of breaking the little smile that had appeared on Heechul's face. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, hyung. Life sucks, doesn't it?"

"Sure does." Heechul's grin morphed a little, showing a hint of reality, a sliver of the self that hid inside him. He took a sip of the vodka, and then, with a thoughtful pause, offered it out to Siwon, who accepted the bottle with a less stern look on his face than he'd previously worn. He chugged it, acidic bliss seeping into his brain, the repulsively bitter taste clinging thick to his tongue. Maybe Heechul wasn't the only one who needed this kind of self-therapy.

"Wanna go sit down?" He asked, nodding vaguely towards the living room. "That way, if you fall over drunk, at least you won't hit your head on the tile..."

"Excuse me, mr.I-get-drunk-off-cough-medicine. I can hold my liquor better than that, thank you very much." Heechul defended himself, standing much too quickly and wavering in his spot tipsily, completely disproving what he was trying to say. Abandoning Siwon sitting on the kitchen floor, he began to make his way to the couch, but it was slow going. "I was born with a high blood-alcohol level, you know."

"You were not, hyung! Although it would explain a few things, wouldn't it?" Siwon laughed, and together they fell onto the couch, a tangled pile of long limbs and frosted glass. Siwon didn't move, and he thought that he liked the feeling of the strands of Heechul's hair against his cheek. They were so close together, Siwon thought the other might melt into him, until they were one being. He giggled at the image it brought to mind.

"Siwon..." Heechul chuckled, taking another drink from the champagne. Siwon marveled momentarily at how he could so easily alternate between the two drinks, stinging, alkaline vodka, and soft, effervessant champagne. Sort of like Heechul's two personalities: the strong, abrasive side he was showing tonight and the other side, kind, amiable, happy. "Siwon, I'm tipsy now." He continued, as though the fact that he was giggling nonstop and his words were all slurred together weren't already a sign of that. "I wanna tell you something."

"Okay, go." Siwon answered, slamming the remainder of his first beer. The second was sitting in his lap, crystalline drops of condensation leaking through the denim of his jeans, icy against bare skin. He rubbed his cheek with a damp hand, the thoughts in his mind becoming blurry on the edges, as though he were already drunk, but he was sure he wasn't. Perhaps it was only the blonde's close proximity, the seduction hidden under half-closed lids that made Siwon's head spin. Perhaps he needed the other man there as much as he needed to be there.

"I had a talk." Heechul proclaimed seriously, his cheerful grin for a split second losing its playfulness, becoming only a hollow symbol on his face.

"Oh." Siwon replied. "With your ex?"

"Yes." Heechul sighed heavily, contemplating the bubbling champagne still in its green glass bottle, swirling around as he shook it. "And I think that I'm over him. For good."

Siwon blinked, nodding and smiling, but it took him a moment to truly register what Heechul had said, what the statement meant. "Him?"

"Yes. Sungmin." Heechul said. Siwon thought he could almost feel the gears in his brain working overtime to process this new fact.


"Yes, him." Heechul let another sigh slip through his pouting lips, leaning back into the couch as if drowsily. "I'm over him."

"You were dating Sungmin." Siwon said, and his eyes went wide as the words came out of his mouth. "You were... you were dating Sungmin?! That's who you've been talking about this whole time?"

"Yes! But you're missing the point, Siwon!" Heechul replied, making emphasized gestures with the bottles. "The point is that I am over him now!"

"I thought you were... I thought you were talking about a girl!" Siwon said, almost panicked, sounding distraught over the fact that Heechul had omitted certain crucial facts when telling the story of his broken love life. "I didn't know you were..."

"Gay?" Heechul grinned cockily, making a contented noise. "Honestly, Siwon. The last time I dated a girl was in, like the fifth grade. Does that disgust you? Do you hate me now?" His tone changed, and he craned his neck to peer into Siwon's face, eyes showing a hint of his drunkenness in the way they glazed over.

"Of course not!" Siwon scoffed, but he knew he himself was blushing, and he couldn't help it. "You're... my friend, hyung. No matter what."

"Oh, no matter what?" Heechul's grin was entirely too smug as he leaned in, making sure there was truth in Siwon's eyes. He chuckled lowly, eyes half-lidded and fogged over in what seemed to Siwon to be a very sexy way. "Hmmm..." He sighed, head lolling for a second against the brunette's shoulder. "You smell very sexy."

"Is it?" Siwon heard his voice quiver only momentarily, and he took a swig of his beer in attempt to cover it. Heechul didn't seem to notice, or care.

"I think I'm giving up on men, Siwonnie." The blonde sighed, drinking his vodka with expert grace. "They're such a hassle. It's not worth it anymore. Only women for me from now on!" He hiccuped, and then fell about in laughter.

"Yeah, but, you know... women are so emotional." Siwon said pointedly, although he wasn't sure what the point he was trying to make was until he had thought about it for a minute. "Everything has to be a big deal with women."

"It's an alright thing when it's just sex, or, you know, fooling around, right? But when men start to have feelings-" Heechul paused to fortify himself, giggling as he sipped the bubbly champagne. "When men fall in love, everything just falls apart into one big fucking mess. Because they're so stubborn and stupid! And I should know, I'm a man myself."

"Yes, but..." Siwon peered into his beer, and he could have sworn he'd only had a beer and a half and just a bit of the vodka, but he felt completely drunk. His head was as light as a feather and everything was glowing warmly, or maybe he was glowing and it was reflecting off him, because he felt like he could have been glowing. "There are... some feelings you can only have with men... some things... that women can't do... aren't there?"

Heechul grinned in a much-too-smug way, and his neck rolled back until his head came to rest on Siwon's shoulder again, so that he was looking up at Siwon from upside-down. "Why, Siwonnie." He purred, and Siwon could feel his face glowing now with the blazing stare Heechul was giving him. "I do believe you are one of us..."

"Oh no, my secret's out." Siwon murmured, and Heechul just smiled toothily at him, eyebrows arched up in a way that Siwon couldn't quite read. He sipped the last of his beer and said, "I've been hiding it for a long time, not even realizing that I was surrounded by gays the whole time. Is that ironic?"

"I don't think it is." Heechul genuinely thought about it for a minute, twirling the neck of the champagne bottle in his hands. He looked up at Siwon's face above him for a long moment, almost as if scrutinizing him, inspecting him in some way. His lips were twisted up at the corners in a cocky smirk, still sticky and glistening from the liquor, and Siwon couldn't stop his gaze from lingering on that spot, drunkenly fascinated.

Heechul's weight shifted suddenly, and Siwon registered a hand on the back of his neck pulling him down before their lips met clumsily, a sticky, acrid second of a kiss before he was released and sat straight up in sheer shock. Heechul leaned lazily against him, arm flung over his shoulder and resting near the nape of Siwon's neck, toying with a few strands of hair contemplatively. "Hmm. I'm sorry." He apologized casually, studying the little bit of alcohol left in the bottle he was holding. "It looked like that's what you were planning on doing, but I wasn't sure if you were going to get around to it anytime this century..."

Siwon licked his lips and could taste the alcohol's chemical flavor left over from Heechul's warm lips, could almost feel the ghost of the kiss, a butterfly perched on his lips. "Why are you sorry?"

"I didn't ask." Heechul replied, completely nonchalant, as if this were the sort of thing he did every day. Siwon could see the alcohol was getting the better of Heechul now, his words spoken slowly as though he had to sort through them before he said them, his pale cheeks flushed in an entirely delectable way. But he had gone through the better portion of a whole bottle of vodka, and that was much for anyone, even Heechul.

Siwon leaned down, relaxing again, and he grabbed hold of the champagne, although, he thought vaguely, Heechul's eyes were making him much more drunk than any of the liquor had. "Well you don't have to."

"Is that so." Heechul smiled, stretching his long arms languidly and sitting up, away from Siwon. The apartment air suddenly seemed bone-chillingly cold to Siwon, lacking the other man's warmth against him. But Heechul turned, catlike grin spread across his face, so that they were level with each other. "Then I suppose it's okay if I do it again?"

Siwon nodded, grinning himself, but he didn't really have to answer as Heechul was already moving in for the steal, teeth clashing as he fell completely into Siwon's lap in a drunken pile. This kiss was longer, faster, but no less drunk than the first, hot and intoxicating in that way that only drunken kisses can be. The passion was just seeping out of Heechul, and Siwon didn't know what the other man was thinking that led to this, but it was something he couldn't be bothered to muse over; there were more important things to worry about at the moment, like Heechul's slyly grinning face as he pulled away from Siwon's lips with a sticky sound, his bubbly giggling as he pulled his legs up under his chin and layed his head on Siwon's shoulder once again, clutching the vodka bottle as though it were his last testament. "Siwon... I'm so damn drunk."

"I know you are." Siwon replied, light-headed, taking a swig from the champange to clear his head. He was getting there himself, but it didn't matter at that point. Not much mattered at that point.

"I'd always wondered how this felt," Heechul said lightly, bringing his hand up to Siwon's chin, running a calloused finger across his bottom lip. "I always thought it would, like, to kiss you or something... but it was kinda nice."

His arm dropped, and he sighed sleepily against Siwon's tee-shirt. Siwon looked down at the top of his head for a moment, brows furrowed. "You'd always wondered? You've thought about it before?"

"Mmm, loads." Heechul laughed in affirmation, lips murmuring against Siwon's collarbone.

"Isn't that..." Siwon hesitated, even in his state realizing what a mistake he might be making by asking the question he was about to, but he didn't stop. "Isn't that... like the same as what... Sungmin did? Thinking about someone else while you were with him?"

There was a moment's pause before Heechul reacted, drowsy eyes snapping open in surprise, flashing darkly with anger. He didn't move his position, but Siwon could feel the tension that had suddenly snapped into his whole body. "It's not the same." He said quietly, a ferocity lilting his liquor-warmed voice that Siwon wasn't sure he liked. "It's not even close, Siwon. He... he started a relationship with me, being in love with someone else. I was just a substitute for the person he really wanted. This is nothing like that." He sighed wearily, but his face softened, and he melted towards Siwon again. "You know... I don't forgive him, not yet, but... I think I understand why he did it."

Siwon nodded, a gesture for the blonde to continue, but it was a minute before he did, one hand finding its way up onto Siwon's neck. "Sungmin was just... in love with somebody... and he was scared to mess that up. He was afraid of something. I know how that feels, to be in love and afraid..." Legs curled up underneath him, he clung to Siwon's neck like a small child, eyelashes fluttering against the tender side of Siwon's neck like a whisper. "What do you think it feels like?"

"I... I don't know..." Siwon thought about the question for a minute, letting the satiny strands of Heechul's hair slide under his fingers. "It feels... wonderful. Feeling like you're wanted, and feeling like you're beautiful... when you get that twisty feeling in your stomach just because they're around..."

"Is that all it is?" Heechul wondered. "There's someone I feel like that about right now... although... he's stupid..." A bubbly chuckle found its way out of Heechul's lips, one slim, long finger threading along the pale outline of the vein in Siwon's neck. "He's thick... he doesn't even understand..." His gaze focused on a spot around Siwon's midsection for a moment, and then rising slowly towards meeting the brunette's dark eyes, his own glimmering with some emotion, something Siwon couldn't quite identify, something he thought he knew himself. "I've been trying to drop hints but obviously he doesn't get it yet..."

"Heechul, no." Siwon interrupted, shaking his head and suddenly feeling much more sober. It didn't matter that there was a part of him that wanted to hear Heechul go on, it was wrong, he wasn't thinking properly. Heechul's lips tightened into a seductive pout of a smile, and his face drew closer.

"No what?"

"Don't say it." Siwon pleaded. But there was no escaping Heechul's hooded gaze, hypnotizing with its furiosity and honesty, his lips coming to meet Siwon's gently as he was pressed up against the back of the red couch.

"Don't say it? You don't want to hear me say it?" The blonde murmured against Siwon's skin, his tone all minx and suggestion. "I love you. I loooove you, Siwon." He giggled stupidly, long limbs and sinewy torso all melting into Siwon's lap. "Ha, there, I said it. What now?"

"You need to stop." Siwon insisted, trying to push the other man away from him, but Heechul struggled, and Siwon gave up. It was useless when he was so intoxicated, so drunk on Heechul's touches and kisses, so high on his words. This feeling was the real drug, and the worst kind of addiction, but was it love? Was it more than just the toxins in his bloodstream clouding his brain and rational thought and making him so hot, so desperate for this?

"Why?" Heechul asked viciously, his eyes hard but that pout still hanging on his lips. "It's really true. I've thought about it a lot and it wasn't Sungmin that I loved, it never was. It was you the whole time." He whimpered pleadingly, sinking his head into Siwon's shoulder. "It's not the same thing I felt then... this is so much stronger, it hurts, it's like fire." He took Siwon's hands into his own, stroking each long, talented finger with a reverance, running the pads of his thumbs over the firm palms, then bringing them up to the side of his neck, letting Siwon feel how heated his skin was, how he burned.

"Heechul..." Siwon stared at his hands, unable to look the other man honestly in the eyes, unable to keep his heart from throbbing at this small admission, such a tender symbol of this affection that blossomed. "Hyung, you're drunk."

"So what? Just because I'm drunk automatically means it can't be true?" Heechul hissed, the dry smell of champagne on his breath. "Because I'm drunk, you should be more inclined to believe me. I would never say this..." He paused and swallowed, lips fluttering. "If I didn't mean it I wouldn't say it, you know I wouldn't. You know, Siwon. You know me, come on!"

Heechul attacked him in a kiss again, moaning aggrivatedly as their mouths smashed together with bruising force, and Siwon didn't have it in him to push him away again. If this was what Heechul craved, if this was all he needed to forget about what had happened - it didn't make it right, Siwon knew, but he didn't think he could refuse. There was nothing he could do to make Heechul stop, but truthfully, he didn't want it to stop either. But what if this scorching feeling was real, was the cure they were looking for - the cure for Heechul's emptiness and Siwon's lonliness... Siwon couldn't seem to resist it.

"Why is this happening?" He murmured through the kiss, falling back to sprawl over the couch under Heechul's weight, his head twirling.

"Don't you want it to happen?" Heechul answered, drowning Siwon's gaze in his eyes. "I do... I want it... I've always wanted it." He shoved the liquor bottles away from them and onto the floor, and Siwon vaguely hoped they weren't open or he'd never get the smell out of the carpeting if they spilled, not to mention it would be a waste of a good bit of alcohol. And then he realized that it actually mattered very little.

"Siwon, I want to get completely drunk..." The blonde slurred breathily against his lips, his hair falling into Siwon's face wispily and tickling him. Heechul kissed him again, sucking on his bottom lip. "I want you to fuck me so good I'll cry..." Another kiss, Heechul's teeth against Siwon's lips with bruising force. "Then I want to fall asleep in your bed... and wake up there, right next to you, in your arms, in the morning... every morning..."

"You say that now, but wait til you see how I look in the morning." Siwon mumbled. "I guarantee it'll scare you..."

"Nothing could scare me away from you, sweetie." Heechul burst out giggling, cheeks too pink from alcohol and excitement, hair ruffled and sticking out in clumps with hairspray leftover from how he'd styled it that morning. "Does that mean you're accepting my proposition?"

Siwon's eyes slid shut before he answered, and he waited for his brain to settle. There was too much going on for him to keep everything straight, for him to even think properly, it was better to just not think at all. "Yeah, hyung..." He whispered, grinning madly, pulling the blonde as close to him as physics allowed, so that there wasn't even an inch of space between them, almost as if they could become one entity. And it was wrong, it was wrong to use Heechul when he was vulnerable, it was wrong for it to feel so good, but it just did. It was wrong, but it would still be wrong in the morning, and Siwon decided he would deal with it then.

A/N: This chapter had only SiChul, sorry, but I had to focus on their relationship as well. I'll update in few days the next chapter.

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Tags: fanfic, genre: angst, genre: romance, genre: smut, pairing: heechul/sungmin, pairing: kyuhyun/sungmin, pairing: siwon/heechul, rating: nc-17, super junior
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